Wednesday, November 30, 2005


Reluctantly crouched at the starting line,
Engines pumping and thumping in time.
The green light flashes, the flags goes up,
Churning and burning, they yern for the cup.

They deftly manouver and muscle for rank,
Fuel burning fast on an empty tank,
Wreckless and wild they pour thru the turns,
Their prowless is podent and secretly stern.

As they speed thru the finish the flags go down.
The fans get up, and get out of town.
The arena is empty except for one man,
Still driving and striving as fast as he can

The sun has gone down and the moon has come up,
And long ago somebody left with the cup,
But he's driving and striving and hugging the turns,
And thinking of someone for whom he still burns.

He's going the distance.
He's going for speed.
She's all alone, all alone in her time of need.

Because he's racing and pacing and plotting the course,
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse.
He's going the distance.


No trophy, no flowers, no flash bulbs, no wine.
He's haunted by something he cannot define.
Bowel shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse,
Assail him, impale him with monster truck force.
In his mind he's still driving, still making the grade.
She's hoping time that her memories will fade,
Cause he's racing and pacing and plotting the course,
He's fighting and biting and riding on his horse.

The sun has gone down and the moon has come up,
And long ago somebody left with the cup.
But he's striving and driving and hugging the turns,
And thinking of someone for whom he still burns.

Cause he's going the distance.
He's going for speed.
She's all alone, all alone in her time of need.

Because he's racing and pacing and plotting the course,
He's figting and biting and riding on his horse,
He's racing and pacing and plotting the course,
He's figting and biting and riding on his horse!

He's going the distance.
He's going for speed.
He's going the distance...

Tuesday, November 29, 2005


Sometimes I wonder if you even notice I am around. So secrative, yet unknowingly it appears. I will tell you before you leave, I have only 4 days. Well, I have 7 but you are only there 4. Do you care for me? I sit up at night and wonder, often. I think about what could be, nay should be. You captivate my mind, making it wander when it oft should not. The doors are closed, through the halls in my mind until I find one, slightly open with you inside. I peek through the keyhole and see you alone in the room and yet I hesitate to walk in, not knowing if you will accept me or see in me what I see in you.

I miss your laughter, your smile, your nature. You are like no one I have ever met and no one I will ever meet. Patience is a virtue, but I fear you may not wait for me. I vow to tell you how I feel, if at least for nothing else, for my own sanity and the hope that you'll think of me.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Interestingly enough...

So I have made friends with this person who sent me a random email. She has a boyfriend and we talk simply about life and problems. I have become a part time shrink it appears. She and her "boyfriend" are typical in their relation, him a typical guy and she a somewhat typical girl. He is quite indifferent to her feelings, puts her down, makes her feel like shit and is typically non-comittal. He doesn't even think that they are girlfriend and boyfriend. She wants more from him and is unsatisfied with a lot of things, namely sex and his attitude. She likes him in general but doesnt know if he returns the feeling, in fact she knows that he wont return the same feelings.

It is frustrating.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Alrighty then

I am way off the mark tonight. I somehow dont know if I want to just do something to take my mind off things or if I just want to find a way do get out of the house.

My computer is rubble right now and I need to figure out some way to get this all together so I can just distance my mind from all the crap I need to figure out.

Let me share something. When I dream, I dream things that come true. Not always does it come true as I get that deja vu feeling I change what I am doing to prevent the future. Today I had one of those dreams that was real. I shall detail it here.

I am at a house, I dont know why but I seem to think that the house was blue even though I havent seen the outside, I only remember starting in a room. A girl is there, even though I never looked at her directly I know that she and I are connected in a relationship. She remarks that her parents are gone but she has to go out. I dont know why or where but I know it was going to be a for hours. I stayed to watch TV. I hear some noise from the front of the house and some calling. Her parents are home. She is not back yet so I decide I need to hide. I move to the corner of the room by the door so as to hide behind the door. The door opens and it pins me between the door and a dresser right there. It is the mother, she apparently doesnt notice that the door isn't opening the entire way, maybe because she is used to hitting the dresser there. She says something, I cant understand. She walks into the room and I get behind the dresser and pull the door to the dresser so as to shielf myself some more. I see her back but she never looks in my direction. I her something drop onto the floor and the mother partially closes the door as she leaves the room.

I move from my hiding spot and look, it is a basket of clothes and a pair of pants sitting on the floor that are womens pants, but not this girls size, possibly her mothers? I stick my head slightly out the door and look down the hall and see the parents standing there. I quickly duck my head back in. The TV still on I just watch TV until I hear someone coming down the hall. The father. I duck behind the door once more and make it all the way back. He comes in and starts searching her room. Never comes over to where I am and leaves saying something about how he thought he heard someone in there.

Stepping out from my spot one more time I notice a closet door and wonder why I hadn't hidden in there. I open it to find a small adjacent room with a couch or bed or something like that. The room is too small to fit a bed, maybe a small sized one or something like that. I get into the room, the TV is off now, the father had turned it off. I see in this room, a radio which has a tape in it. I hit the play button and it is the girl, talking about me. There are details but I can't recall them now. I dont hear her father come into the room and then to the closet where I am sitting. He sees me. A man I have never met before he greets me like he knows me. We talk and go into another part of the house. We eventually play a game of tennis. Her brother is there and plays with me. She gets home and sees us playing tennis, she didnt understand why her parents were home.

Then I woke up...I wish I could have stayed into it so I could understand more. This will happen sometime, I just need to watch for it.

The blue thing, now that I think about it is the glow from the TV, not the color of the house. It makes a little more sense


Today I saw you jog to the car, somehow I thought you would be there. How quickly I reached over to unlock the door, overjoyed to see you again. Small talk on the drive and some good smiles. I wish I could have just watched you instead of the road. During the show you looked like you were falling asleep, I know somehow you stayed awake and I am glad for it. I kept my hand free but you didn't take it. That's fine. Did you notice my arm rubbing against yours? Did you know what I was thinking about? I dont remember half of the show because I was focused more on you.

You are more beautiful a being than I have ever known, but you always seem so down. I want to lift your spirits, move your mind to a place where it cannot be harmed. I want to see you smile again. You look a whole lot prettier when you smile once and a while. What do I have to do? What do I have to say? Do you notice that I watch you? Do you even know how I feel? I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. My only wish is for you to be happy. Somehow, I don't know if you'll think of me tonight, I would hope you would, I would hope you have the same feelings that I do. You are great, and I hope that you recognize that I see you that way, even though it may seem that others dont?

Friday, November 18, 2005

Shitty day ends well

Well, I have been pissed about getting bitched at from my managers....Whatever, I am just floating under the radar right now . However Rachel said yes to go to a movie with me which makes me very happy. I wish I understood whats going on in her life a little more, she seems so distant all the time and I dont know if it is something I cause or if it genuinly is something she is holding back. Either way I got a yes when I could have gotten a no so things are looking up. I have a chess tournament tomorrow, gotta get up early, drink late then wake up early again. This is gonna be a sick weekend.

Thursday, November 17, 2005


I am very very into the song "Almost" by Bowling for Soup. Something about it sparks my mind about my life at this point. I spend far too much pondering what almost happened, what little change I could have made at one point or another. Ponderings of a lonely mind.

I suppose I shall start this by saying this will be a journal of sorts. I keep things repressed far too often and thus I need a creative outlet to express myself. Somehow I think that this will make for dry reading unless you want to know something about a man you will likely never meet, or just want a good laugh at my expense.


This is just a test, if it was not a test you would already be dead