Here I go again

Alone at last, free again. Someone has told me this a thousand times and I still cling to myself, ignoring the fact that the world turns and I don't. Somewhere there is someone, who I don't know, that will balance my life again. Is it someone I already know? Perhaps, but that chance is slim. Will I ruin the chance by inaction, likely, possibly. So now I sit in solitude, waiting for someone to rush to me, when it is I who should be in the rush.

A million days, a million hours, or some where in the middle. I stop. There is something in my dreams that may mean something, or it may mean nothing at all. Is it a future that I am waiting for? Is it precognitive ability showing itself again? I haven't had a precognitive dream in over a year, suppressed, perhaps? Who is the woman that grabbed my arm? Why was I asked about a football career?

Alas my shoulder still hurts and probably will for a few days. I will contemplate it all in time.

From my current reading

"I stole it to look for a lot of things"
"A lot of things?" said Ford in surprise. "Like what?"
"I don't know."
"What?"
"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"What not?"
"Beacuse...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," Zaphod said quietly. "I only know as much about myself as my mind can work out under its current conditions. And its current conditions are not good."



That struck me like a freight train.

Another year

A solemn day for sure, I grow very tired of new year bullshit. I grow tired of the lonliness and the void in my life right now. I spent 3 years with someone who I could never really love the way that she wanted and the same back. Although we did share a connection, it wasn't enough. Today I miss that connection and I am frustraited trying to find one with another. I find it difficult to meet new people as I tend to dislike functions of large people. I dont talk to anyone at the bar. Nor do I have a good feel as to who is around my age. I don't know how to spark up conversations and I lack the basic teenage start of a relationship. I didnt have my first date till I was 19. I missed out on a growing phase that is now leaving me depressed and lonely.

I suppose this is more a self inflicted thing. I got some movies that I thought wouldn't be laced in romanticism, yet were. I saw the Wedding Crashers and Bewitched. Stop laughing in the back there. So now I feel alone, I am spending new years eve alone, in my bedroom, blogging.

Merry fucking new years

How Easy

Somehow I think it is far too easy for me to talk to people I have no real interest in. I mean I work in sales and beyond the fact that I will never usually see the person again outside of the confines of my 4 walls of work and nothing else really.

The change comes when trying to talk to someone I have an interest in as more than a client or passing knowledge of. It is hard to communicate when trying to make a good impression. I sound like I am either quite shy and reserved, or I miss saying things that would allow a connection to form. Mostly out of the fear of sounding stupid, because I have very unique tastes. Somehow I t hink this will be one of the largest difficulties

What me Flirt?

I was told by a girl I used to go out with that I have a flirtatious personality. I always thought this was untrue, but today I caught myself. I was at Chipotle getting dinner and the gal behind the counter was fairly attractive and the person in front of me made some comment and she said "Well I would rather be on a beach under the sun". She asked me what I wanted on my food and after telling her I said "Well, you do realize that you live in Minnesota." We had a pleasant talk holding up the line for a minute and she wished me a happy new year. As I walked out, I realized that most people would have considered that flirting, or somethin equivilant. Nothing I conciously do mind you, just something that comes naturally.

Now I really dont have an interest in her, although if the situation came about that there was something, I would give it a try, I just don't forsee myself with her, but somehow thats just what happens. Now if only I could get that same slickness when I am actially trying to flirt.

Tonight

Tonight I was told that I was charming....By someone I care for a great deal.


Everything seems right, right now.

As I listen to Natasha Bedingfield, I realize that the song Unwritten is quite appropriate tonight. I think this is going to be a good Christmas after all.

Part 2

Part 2, Valerie:

This will be somewhat shorter, as I knew Val for a shorter time, but liked her for her. Now, Val and I worked together at Best Buy. The unfortunate part was that I worked in sales and she as a cashier. Ironically we worked at total opposite ends of the store. Val was one of the few people I liked talking to at work and she always seemed to flirt with me. I guess I always flirted too as I have been told I have a flirtatious personality, but is it really flirting if I dont know I am? I digress... She was a gymnist, which at the time, I had no idea of the posibilities that someone like that possessed even though I had seen her do some gymnastics in the store after we closed. She actually crawled into a box and stuffer her entire body into a tiny box once, I simply stood there stunned. Amazing. She was quite outgoing and I was equally outgoing, just not to her. We talked but the chickenshit I am I couldnt muster the words out to ask her out and thus I missed a grand opportunity for something that could have been.

I found out later through some people that claimed to know her in school that she was a total pothead, which confused me because I wouldnt have been able to tell. She was always coherent, seemed to know what she was doing, and didn't smoke... Really though, it doesnt matter to me, or to say it didn't matter to me. Val, if somehow you come accross this blog, leave me a note, let me buy you dinner sometime and we can catch up.

On to the past

I figure this blog should be about my past as well as the present and the future. A way to log all the events of my life in addition to the ones that will log here. There will be a small seperate series here on my loves. Now there are a few things that I need to clarify here. When I say "Love" I cannot justify it as I didn't truly know the person well enough to love them. Lust is not appropriate as I did not lust after these people, so it very well could be considered a happy medium in between.

Part 1, Allison:

Allison was the first. There were some before her, but none that I had any working knowledge of and knew for more than a week or so. We called her Al for short, and she acted somewhat tomboyish, but not a lot. She was pretty, not like a supermodel, but in a more down to earth, girl next door kind of appeal. She was the star of a fair amount of my day dreams. It was something new to me, to persue a woman, that I did the traditional young mistakes. I knew through friends that she had a boyfriend, and I still tried. She was one of the few people who genuinly seemed to care which set her apart from anyone else I knew at the time. I gave her gifts for her birthday and christmas, I can't remember but I might have even given her something for valentines. I talked with her whenever I could and remembered every little detail about her so as to be there when the time was right.


The time never came though. One of my dearest friends and I actually fought a futal fight with each other about her. Neither admitting that we liked her, but putting the other down for it. Rather funny now that I think back, but none the less, either of us would have ended up as a better fit for her than the people she was with. You see, she didn't come back to school the next year, no one knew why at first. Then we found out that she had become pregnant, and the school (a private school) had told her not to come back. I was sad, but after seeing the baby, I knew she hadn't had sex with her boyfriend that I knew as the baby was quite white and her boyfriend was not. I don't know anything more, but her child is now 6 or 7. Al, if you read this, through some miracle of God, let me know as I cannot think of anyone I would like to get to know better in this world than you. Friends or more, it doesnt matter.